Dick Cheney, rock star

When Vice President Cheney travels, he carries a document listing his "downtime requirements." That's right, just like a rock star, Cheney actually has a tour rider. Surprise...he requires TVs in his suite to be tuned to Fox News. Here's what else the rider says:

VICE PRESIDENTIAL DOWNTIME REQUIREMENTS
The items listed below are required [underlined] for The Vice President's Downtime Suite. Please contact the Advance Office, 202-456-9006, with any questions.

Queen or king-size bed, in a connecting room to the parlor [not IN the parlor, mind you, and not in a disconnecting room to the parlor]
Desk with chair [a place to sign all his Halliburton kickback checks]
Private bathroom [with good locks on the door]
All lights turned on [afraid of the dark, Dick?]
Temperature set to 68 degrees [the temperature of Cheney's blood]
All televisions tuned to Fox News (please let the Advance Office know if it is satellite or cable television) [satellite interferes with his implant]
Microwave [so Cheney can make popcorn to eat while watching gay porn videos]
Coffee pot in the suite (BREW DECAF PRIOR TO ARRIVAL) [decaf helps him shoot straighter]
Container for ice, and the location of where ice maker is located [hopefully it isn't located in an undisclosed location]
Bottled water, 4-6 bottles [to wash down the Coors]
Diet Caffeine Free Sprite [to wash down the water]
Hotel restaurant menu (please also fax a copy to the Advance Office, 202-456-7607) [and have everything on the menu tested for anthrax]
Newspapers - New York Times, USA Today, Wall Street Journal, local paper, Washington Post [he really only reads the WSJ; the rest are just for show]
If the hotel would like to put a gift [preferably one that isn't ticking] in the Suite please let the Advance Office know ASAP. Please also make sure someone from the team or a Super Volunteer (on radio) is there to receive the Motorcade on Arrival. [And Make Sure Words That Don't Need To Be Capitalized Are Capitalized]
Extra lamps [to help compensate for his abysmal darkness]

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0322061cheney1.html